


Cold Fire

by AirbendernamedJay (autisticmockingjay)



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Animal Abuse, Child Abuse, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Secret Crush, tyzula - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autisticmockingjay/pseuds/AirbendernamedJay
Summary: Azula has had strange feelings towards Ty Lee since childhood. She doesn't fully comprehend what they mean but finds herself dwelling on them many times.A series of moments from Azula's point of view that take place between episodes.





	1. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW Child Abuse)

"Fire is the power in destruction.” My father’s chilling voice echoes through the hall. I nod, body shifting through the stance once more, energy pulses through my veins. I’m blinded momentarily by the sudden eruption of gold that flares from my fist. I hold my pose, not looking over to my father for approval, he is angered by any loss in concentration. His warmth fills the room, I don’t need to see him to know his expression has not changed, I don’t need my ears to hear his deep sigh, it’s embedded in my memory, surfacing when my movements are anything less than perfect. “Fire is the heat of your anger, of your hate. Let it fuel you, let your fire show the extent of your rage.”

I breath deeply, the scent of smoke filling my lungs alongside the almost burning heat or the room. My eyes fall shut, my heart heavy, my lungs burning. An image forms behind my eyes unbidden. Of Zuko. Of my mother. She sits by him a gentle smile on her lips, an arm around his shoulders. A scene I’d often witnessed before she left. When she turns to me her eyes are devoid of any warmth, of any love they held in them when she looked at my brother. Her smile no longer warm but tight lipped, forced. Her eyes full of. Fear? Hate? I don’t know exactly what emotion swims in her eyes when she looks at me. All I know is it’s nothing good. She looks at me as if I were a monster.

The form is easy, even with my eyes closed. The energy sears through my body, far more intense than I’m used to. A scream pierces my ears as my hand extends outwards, my eyes snap open to witness azure flames streaming out of my hand. It takes me a few seconds to realise the scream echoing through the hall is my own. The flames jump and dance licking over my hand, I draw it back as the familiar scorching sensation meets my skin. The flames flicker and die, my knees buckle.

The impact of the cold ground jars my bones. My teeth clamp down on my lip to stop the whimper escaping them. I can feel my body trembling as I clutch my stinging hand to my chest. Thud. I shudder knowing what’s going to come is not going to be good. Thud. I have to stand, I have to stop showing weakness. Thud. My fathers footsteps are getting closer now. A shadow passes over the ground, I scrunch my eyes shut against the fear and pain. He’s not going to like this. Slowly, taking deep breath I raise my tear streaked face to look up at him.

His expression is unreadable as usual, he watches me silently. Shakily I unfold my legs, standing before him my injured hand still clutched against my chest. The silence is deafening, the wait for him to speak is almost as agonising as my hand.

He watches me, I wait patiently for his verdict. “Your fire was blue.” He states, not taking his eyes off me, I wonder if that is a good thing. If his words are meant as praise or reprimand. His lips twitch in an almost smile, my eyes widen knowing this to me a sign of approval. “Very few fire benders achieve blue flame. It is a sign of great power.”

A smile spreads across my face. I achieved something, he’s proud of me. It may be hard to tell from his expression but I know he’s proud of me. His eyebrows furrow and I falter. “This. On the other hand...” He gestures to me, voice taking on a chilling note. “Is not.” My heart sinks, I almost look down at my feet but I resist the urge. Showing more weakness would not be in my best interest. “You showed weakness, you unlocked your true power but crumbled beneath it.” He sneers, eyes cold. I wonder how a fire benders eyes can be so cold, but then again I’ve often wondered the same about the coldness I carry in my chest.

“I’m sorry father.” My voice sounds hoarse, I hate the way it trembles. Smack. I flinch. My head knocked to the side, his hand still extended. In. Out. The breath helps me force down the stinging in my cheek. Carefully I turn to look at him hoping my expression is blank.

“You will show no weakness again.” My father orders.

“Yes father.” I stand up straighter, focussing on controlling my breathing.

“Tomorrow you will return here, your fire will burn blue and you will be in command of it. Fire is destruction. Fire is power. To command it you are the power of destruction, all will fear you and that will be what makes you a formidable Fire Lord.” My heart skips a beat. I will be Fire Lord, he’s said I will many times. I deserve to be Fire Lord. I’m much stronger than my brother, much smarter, I’m better in every way. I nod to my father enthusiastically.

“Yes father.” I can’t keep the smirk off my face when I think of how Zuko will react when I take his throne from him.

My father’s hand slowly rises, I tense my muscles to stop myself from flinching. “Your hand.” He orders holding his hand between us palm upwards. Carefully I give him my injured hand, watching as he inspects it. “It will heal, have the physician give you some cream to prevent scarring.” He states, a sigh of relief escapes me, the Fire Lord of all people can’t have burn scars in visible places. The Fire Lord is master of flame, a scar wouldn’t do at all. “Leave now.”

“Yes father. Thank you.” I bow to my father showing him the respect he deserves. A grin on my face despite the pain in both my hand and face. I back away not turning my back on him, to do so before I reach the door would be disrespectful.

Ty Lee waits for me in my room, I’m no longer surprised to find her there, she’s no longer surprised by the bruises and burns I often sport upon return. Mai is probably outside somewhere spying on Zuko or something equally inane, I will never understand what she sees in my brother. Ty Lee is silent as I apply the cream given to me to the burn on my hand and bandage it up, covering the bandage with a glove. She knows not to ask, she knows not to offer to help.

I sit on my bed folding my hands in my lap as I sit up straight. She’s quiet as she stands bringing the make-up from the drawer. I keep my eyes closed as she approaches waiting for her to begin applying the make-up. It wouldn’t do to have a princess walk around with unsightly bruises and I know my father would be disappointed if he found me doing so.

“Ty Lee.” I say imperiously, when I feel the bed shift from her weight and no brushes being applied to my face. She’s silent, refusing to move so I open my eyes to look at her, fully intending to snap at her to hurry up. The words die on my tongue when I see her looking at me.

Grey eyes look over the bruise, her expression soft. When she finally meets my gaze I fully expect to see pity there, I’m about to yell at her. I don’t need pity, especially not from her. What is she anyway? Just some peasant brought in to be my friend. But when I look into her eyes I don’t see pity. I don’t see what I expect. Sadness. Her eyes look at me in sadness and if I’m not very much mistaken admiration. I blink looking away, I don’t know how to feel about that. She should admire me. Of course she should, I am Princess Azula of the Fire Nation after all. But not for this, this isn’t something she should admire.

Perhaps she’s admiring my father's handiwork, the way he can wound without even using his fire. Yes that’s it. I don’t know why the thought makes my stomach twist uncomfortably. I’m about to snap at her but her hand cups my chin turning my face towards her. I blink suddenly speechless as I stare into her eyes, she licks her lips and I think she’s about to speak.

What she does next astounds and confuses me more than anything she could say. She leans in and kisses me, just below the bruise. I freeze, her lips brushing the skin tenderly for a brief moment before pulling back. She has the decency to look sheepish but I glare at her nonetheless.

“What was that?” I ask, my voice carrying an edge to it. Ty Lee shrinks back slightly but smiles anyway, her usual cheery demeanour returning.

“What was what Zula?” She asks an insipid grin on her lips, she picks up the pot of make-up. I narrow my eyes but allow her to paint my face covering the bruise, only because I know if I do it myself it will show.

“Don’t ever try anything like that again.” I hiss angrily, turning my face away slightly so I don’t have to look at her while she works. She doesn’t reply, somehow that enrages me more. As soon as she’s done I throw her out of my room lying in bed memorising the pattern on the ceiling as I contemplate what she had just done. Why she’d done it I can’t understand. Even more so, the question that haunts me long after the day is why did I like it?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW Child Abuse)

Father was angrier than usual today. I try to keep my head held high as I limp towards my room. Training today was a disaster, I was far from perfect my mind elsewhere as I showed my father the advanced forms I’ve been practising.

I finally reach my room, opening the door slowly making sure not to let my mask of indifference fade, expecting Ty Lee to be waiting for me with a smile and make-up brush at the ready as usual. I stop in my tracks when she is nowhere to be found.

Maybe she got called away, I reason, as I enter closing the door behind me. My brow furrows as I glance around the room once more looking for any sign of her. My gaze lands on a pink envelope sitting on the bedside table.

I’d know it’s from Ty Lee, even without recognising the handwriting that my name is scrawled in across the front of it. The pink colour is garishly bright, no one else would use such hideous stationary. I’m not sure how I didn’t notice it as soon as I entered.

I purse my lips together as I reach for it, picking it up between my thumb and forefinger glaring at the offensive thing. This had better contain a good excuse for why she’s not here waiting for me. As I sit down I’m unable to suppress the wince.

The physician has told me my injuries will heal and I’m to rest as much as possible. Irritation floods though me, I’m Princess Azula. I shouldn’t have to rest. I shouldn’t even be in this state in the first place. If my mind hadn’t been elsewhere I wouldn’t have tripped, then my father wouldn’t have punished me with a kick to the ribs and a fist to the face when I was unable to tell him where my mind had been.

The hit was better than the punishment I would’ve gotten from telling him how my thoughts had kept turning to the one who wrote the letter in my hands. I scowl at it, I don’t even know why I find my thoughts often turning to her. She’s nothing to me.

I try to shift myself into a comfortable position, giving up pretty quickly when I find that there won’t be a comfortable position for a while. Carefully I open the envelope pulling out the paper that’s the same awful shade of pink.

Azula!

My name is scrawled hurriedly at the top, I suppose I should be grateful that she at least spelt it correctly, but everyone should spell my name correctly even an atrocious speller like her.

I’m so so so sorry. I wanted to say goodbye in person but you were busy with your dad so I had to leave this note or I’d miss my chance.

I scan over the words in confusion. Good bye? Miss her chance? What drivel is she going on about this time?

Remember last week when we all went to see the circus together?

I roll my eyes, of course I remember it. It wasn’t that long ago even if there was nothing note worthy about it. Peasants entertainment, it was beneath me to go, but Ty Lee had wanted to and there wasn’t anything else to do anyway, so I’d agreed and Mai had come with us because she was bored as well.

It’s this that has been on my mind the past few days. I’d got tired of the tedious performance extremely quickly but had found one that was far more interesting. The way Ty Lee watched it, leaning forwards in her seat, gasping and laughing alongside the crowd. I had spent most of the time there trying to figure out why that had made my heart beat faster and a warmth to flood though me. I still don’t understand the reason for it.

Well I decided that the circus is where I’m supposed to be. I can’t stay here any longer, my aura is far from pink. I think it’s time to walk my own path. I’m going to be a famous acrobat! Next time you seem me I’m gonna be famous! Isn’t that great?

What? My heart seems to drop. I reread the words, sure I’ve misread something. She’s leaving? She left? My stomach twists uncomfortably. My fingers grip the pink paper so tightly that it’s starting to smoke at the edges. I blink loosening my grip, regaining control of my bending before reading the rest of the note.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back, probably next time the circus comes around this way. I promise I’ll write to you Azula. I’m really sorry for leaving like this but it’s my only chance. I left the you my favourite hair tie, to remember me by.

I grab the envelope and a pink hair tie falls out of it. I hold it up in front of my face, glaring at it. Why would she think I’d want this? I roll my eyes throwing it onto the floor. It bounces against the wall and rolls a little way back towards me.

You’re my bestest friend Azula and I’m going to miss you so so much. I didn’t have time to write to Mai as well so could you tell her where I’ve gone for me and that I’ll miss her as well? Of course I’ll miss you most of all though Azula, I hope one day you’ll be able to watch me perform.

Ty Lee :heart:  
I release the breath I didn’t realise I was holding, eyes lingering on the heart scribbled next to Ty Lee’s name. Of course she’d just leave like this. Not that I care. I don’t care. I glare at the words re-reading them once more just to make sure I’ve understood them.

Ty Lee’s gone, she’s really gone. I don’t care. I screw the paper up into a ball setting it alight in my palm. I don’t care. Why would I care? If she wants to go gallivanting with the circus then fine. It's fine if she wants to leave me. Just like my mother did, like how Zuko was sent away.

I throw the burning ball of paper across the room turning away from it. I don't care. My breath catches in my throat. I don't care. My chest feels tight.

I don’t even care enough to see my flames destroy the letter. Even as I try to convince myself that this is true I turn to look at it.

The burning paper landed next to the hair tie. The now orange flames are starting to catch onto it.

My body reacts before my mind and I’m darting across the room without a second thought, despite the pain. I grab the hair tie and extinguish the flames before it can get too burnt. I don’t know why I saved it. I glare at the slightly charred pink thing and am about to set it ablaze when something stops me. Some strange tug in my chest. I sigh opening a drawer and shoving it inside so I don’t have to look at it.

The letter is nothing but a pile of ash now. I kick it in disgust ignoring how the movement hurts my ankle. I don’t even care if she forgets to write to me. In fact I might just tell the servants to burn any letters she sends me. Just so I don’t have to deal with the mess.

I catch sight of my face in the mirror and scowl, there’s a visible bruise on my chin. That isn’t acceptable at all. I grab my make-up, I need to conceal the mark before anyone sees me. Settling down facing the mirror I start to apply it.

My hands shake, I don’t know why. It makes applying the make-up even more difficult. My mind keeps drifting back to Ty Lee. To the letter. To the hair tie in my drawer. I close my eyes momentarily and inhale. My room smells slightly of smoke. I’ll need to get a servant to open a window.

But for now I need to cover this bruise. I open my eyes looking at my reflection carefully. It’s almost covered although the bruise can still somewhat be seen behind it. I narrow my eyes at the faint dark shape. Almost isn’t good enough. Those were my fathers words when I failed to go through my fire bending forms perfectly. I’d told him I almost had it. He’d got angry at me. Almost isn’t good enough. Almost is as bad as not at all.

I try again, putting more make-up on, only to make my face look more and more ridiculous. Ty Lee always had a knack for make-up, one that I don’t seem to have. I scowl throwing the brush down, it clatters to the floor as I glare at my reflection. If Ty Lee hadn’t left I wouldn’t have this problem, it’s all her fault.

Maybe I care just a little bit that she’s gone. But only because of her usefulness. I wonder if I could ask Mai to hide the bruise. I’ve never asked her to before, she’s never even seen them before. I don’t think she’d talk too much. A heaviness in my chest keeps me seated. I don’t want to find Mai, I don’t want to ask her. I sigh carefully picking up the brush wincing slightly from the movement.

Almost isn’t good enough. I will master this skill, I don’t need Ty Lee. I don’t need anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW Animal Abuse)

I look over the tank train as it’s loaded with supplies we’ll need for our mission, my back straight and hands clasped behind me. “Hurry up!” I order imperiously as a group of men struggle to load a crate of food onto the middle carriage. One of the men startles and his knee gives way, the crate falling to the ground, thankfully not breaking. I narrow my eyes at him and am about to step forwards to motivate him when a warm hand touches my arm.

“Azula they’re going as fast as they can.” Ty Lee pulls me back. I turn on her angrily, how dare she try to tell me what to do! I’m about to slap her, to burn her or maybe just scold her. The smile on her lips and look in her eyes stops me. “They won’t go any faster with you scaring them.” Ty Lee laughs.

I narrow my eyes finally pulling my arm free, the contact making me uncomfortable. Her laugh ringing in my ears like music. I quickly push that thought away. Her laugh is as annoying as a badly played tsungi horn.

“A little fear will motivate them.” I growl looking back over at the men who are now hurriedly picking up the crate. “We don’t have all day. The Avatar is getting farther away every second. Who knows how fast his bison can fly.” I grind out, my fingers curling into fists. I need to capture him, I’ll bring him to my father, I won’t fail like my useless brother did.

I can imagine father’s surprise when I bring him not only my traitorous uncle and failure of a brother but the person the Fire Nation has been after for a hundred years. I know it will make him proud. His daughter will do what no one else can there will be no more disappointed sighs. No more punishments for being less than perfect.

Mai saunters over, her expression cold and uncaring as she gazes over the men struggling to load our supplies onto the our transport. Sometimes I envy how she can be so unbothered by everything around her.

“My father said we can have the pick of his mongoose lizards.” Mai yawns when she reaches us. I pretend not to notice the way Ty Lee’s eyes light up. I pretend seeing her with that expression doesn't make my heart skip a beat.

She left me I remind myself. She could easily leave again. I let the anger deep in my chest wash over me. Letting it push away the strange feelings that surface around Ty Lee. She's here because she fears me. I will make sure she stays.

“Really?” Ty Lee squeals. “I want the cutest one.” She bounces over to Mai. I roll my eyes, typical unpractical Ty Lee.

"We'll take the best."

“Uh huh...” Mai nods. “Well I think the Stable Master wants to know which lizards we’re taking so expects us to go see them but whatever.” She shrugs not even looking at us.

“Oh please can we go see them Azula?” Ty Lee begs, meeting my gaze, I raise an eyebrow hoping it doesn’t show how much that look causes my heart to leap in a strange way. I can feel Mai’s eyes on me as Ty Lee gives me that look.

“I don’t need to see them, just bring me the best of the best.” I snap, what does she think I am? Some commoner who shovels lizard dung? Ty Lee looks down in disappointment, a lump forms in my throat.

"Whatever." Mai shrugs looking away. Ty Lee continues to look downward. I sigh irritably.

"The Stable Master is from the Earth Kingdom is he not?” I ask Mai, tearing my gaze away from Ty Lee.

“From the colonies yeah.” Mai says disinterestedly.

“Then they probably can’t tell a mongoose lizard from an ostrich horse.” My lip curls up in disgust. “We’ll have to go check on the beasts. I’ll be surprised if they’re even fit for riding.” I pretend not to notice the way Ty Lee practically jumps up in excitement. I’m doing this to make sure we get the best not because she wants to.

“Fine.” Mai shrugs. “The stable's this way.” She points towards a cluster of buildings. I follow her, grinding my teeth together at the way Ty Lee skips next to me.

“Stop that!” I snap. Ty Lee pauses frowning in confusion. “You look like an idiot.” The smile fades from Ty Lee’s lips. Good. I tell myself even as my stomach twists uncomfortably. Ty Lee looks down but at least she walks a step behind me.

The stables are nowhere near as grand as the ones back home. The mongoose lizards here are kept in modified ostrich horse stalls. A bearded man bows as we enter. He greets us hurriedly, I roll my eyes as he rambles about how I’m honouring him with my presence. I don’t have time for this, I hold a hand up to get him to stop.

“I want your best mongoose lizards.” I order not even sparing him a glance. The lizards in the stalls nearest to us are small, they pace back and forth watching us. The man whose name I have already discarded from my mind bows again assuring me he'll bring out the best of the best. From what I can see I doubt that.

He leads me outside to a courtyard where a number of animals are brought out. They walk obediently by their handlers for the most part, occasionally hissing and snapping at each other. Ty Lee gasps as each of them is brought out. The beasts are lined up in front of us.

They’re nothing like the royal mongoose lizards back home. Those are of good breeding, usually at least 5 feet longer than the average and on top form. Only the best mongoose lizards make it anywhere near the palace stables. “Is this really your best?” I ask, unimpressed by the weaklings. The Stable Master seems taken aback by my question.

“Well yes princess.” He bows. “If they are not to your liking I can send for others. The colonies have some fine...”

“I don’t have time to wait for others.” I interrupt him, he straightens looking at me with a glint of fear. “I will inspect the rest of what you have, these can’t be your best.”

“Well you see...” The man trails off looking down. He’s hiding something I turn on him, my eyes narrowing, he shrinks back fearfully. My lips twitch, it’s an unmatched pleasure the fear I can cause with just one look. “There is one that would be considered of a finer stock but well you see...”

“Bring it out!” I order returning to Mai and Ty Lee. The paling faces of the stable workers do not go unnoticed.

“Oh what a pretty girl you are!” Ty Lee exclaims having lured one of the mongoose lizards over and happily scratching it under the chin. It’s handler, a boy with messy hair, grins at Ty Lee.

“You like her huh? Her name’s Rika, she’s my favourite.” He leans on the lizard. Ty Lee gives the handler unmistakably flirtatious smile. My stomach twists, I barely hear what she says to him as I close the short distance between us grabbing her wrist and pulling her away from the lizard.

“We won’t be taking that one.” I tell the boy who looks at me with a perplexed expression. “You can take it away.” It takes him far longer than I’d like for him to bow and pull the animal away. Ty Lee watches them go before turning to me.

"Azula, I liked that one." She whines.

“It was substandard.” I snap despite the fact that the lizard had been one of the better ones in the line up.

There’s a snarl from across the courtyard that draws my attention. A satisfied smirk spreads across my lips as I see the source of it. Now that’s a mongoose lizard. Four people hold onto the reins. It hisses, the sound echoing around the area, the other beasts jump and chatter nervously. My smirk widens, yes it inspires fear in others of it’s kind. Perfect, this is just the creature to carry a princess into battle.

The lizard inflates it’s chest making it appear larger as it rears onto its hind legs bringing two of the people into the air with it. I watch as the idiots struggle to pull the animal down rolling my eyes at their incompetence.

“This is taking too long.”

“You’re telling me.” Mai, who has found a place leaning against a fence, groans. I stride across the courtyard, Ty Lee following right behind me. The handlers warn me to keep my distance but I ignore them, they obviously know nothing of how to control such a creature.

“Let it go.” The order seems to take them by surprise, they try to protest, I purse my lips together angered that they dare defy me.

“Azula are you sure about this?” That was Ty Lee’s voice, I scowl at her.

“I’m sure, let it go.” I decide not to snap at her for questioning me this time. The handlers reluctantly release the reins. The lizard snarls landing on all fours as the handlers scatter. It’s mighty head swings from side to side as if daring them to come near.

Slowly it turns its yellow glare to me. I stand completely still, a smirk still on my lips even as it’s chest inflates aggressively and it releases a threatening hiss. It steps forwards opening it’s mouth, the hiss becoming louder as it does so.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the handlers hesitating, torn between protecting their princess and staying out of the way of this beast they fear so much. It’s almost laughable, how can they expect to control something they fear so much? I’m about to teach them a valuable lesson.

As the lizard takes another step, beginning to rear up, my fist flies out, azure flames lashing against the ground by it’s feet. I’m careful not to burn it of course, it’s no good to me injured. If it persists it will know pain like it’s never known before but if if submits I will make sure it’s taken care of. This creature is far too fine an animal to be in the Earth city of New Ozai, when my mission is complete it will have a place at the stables back home.

The lizard hisses again backing away slightly. I take a step forwards, it opens its mouth lunging forwards, a bluff move, it doesn’t intend to bite me, I can tell from the moment of hesitation before it struck. I punish it again with a blast of fire that ends just in front of its snout.

The beast pauses lowering its head. I continue my approach warning it with fire only when it moves to attack. The lizard raises it’s gaze challengingly. I meet it showing no fear, it’s a battle of wills. The mongoose lizard eventually huffs and lays down submissively.

I will always enjoy the way I can make all yield to me. Be they human or beast. I will do the same with Ty Lee. She dared to leave me but she won’t again. I will make her afraid of me then she’ll follow me wherever I want her to. She won’t leave me again and neither will this creature.

“What is this beasts name?” I ask placing a hand on the top of its head.

“He has yet to be named Princess Azula.” The Stable Master stutters.

“His name shall be Katsu.” I grab his reins. “I’ll take him and those two.” I point at two of the lizards from the line up. The lizards may be substandard but if they’re the best this city can do I suppose they’ll have to do. “Come we have ground to cover if we’re to catch up with the Avatar.” I don’t bother looking back to check the others are following.


	4. Chapter 4

I don’t know what it is that makes me pull her closer at night. If Mai has noticed how close I sleep to Ty Lee she hasn’t said anything. She’s wise not to. I lie completely still in the darkness Ty Lee's hot breath tickling my neck.

The night is not a good time for a fire bender, the sun is missing from the sky, I can feel my bending is weaker than normal. I’m colder almost icily so, the numbness so often present within me is more prominent when I can’t feel the suns rays on my skin.

My arms tighten around Ty Lee drawing her warmth closer to me. Her heat is nothing compared to the sun but somehow it eases the numbness I often feel all the same. Perhaps even more so. That is a dangerous thought that I quickly discard. She shifts slightly in her sleep, I hold my breath afraid to wake her. That’s ridiculous, I am a princess and the second most powerful fire bender in the world I shouldn’t fear anything, others should fear me. I look at the shadowy shape of Ty Lee in my arms, my stomach twisting. Ty Lee makes me feel many things I don’t know what to make of, some I’m aware I shouldn’t be feeling at all.

I sigh unable to allow myself to sleep. Silently I slip out of Ty Lee’s warm arms and exit the room to the balcony. The city glows beneath me, a nauseating array of greens painted onto the buildings far from the comforting reds and golds of home. We can repaint I suppose. Soon this entire city will be mine. Well, the Fire Nation’s but I’m going to conquer it. Impenetrable city indeed I sneer down at the streets in disgust. I’m here. The Fire Nation princess is here in the impenetrable city and I’ll bring it down without an army. I, Princess Azula will succeed where all others have failed.

My thoughts turn back to Ty Lee as they often do. I don’t understand why my mind seems to be so focussed on her. She’s nothing to me, only here because she’s useful. Yet for reasons I don’t understand her smile causes heat to flood through me, my palms to sweat and my heart to hammer loudly.

It’s as if I’m afraid. But that’s nonsense. I’m not afraid of her, I’m not afraid of anyone. Except perhaps my father. But all should fear my father, he is the Fire Lord after all. Quiet footsteps sound behind me, I do not turn to face them.

“Zula?” I don’t respond to Ty Lee’s voice instead continuing to gaze over the city that will soon be mine. Ty Lee approaches quietly standing next to me. Heat radiates off her enticingly. My fingers tighten their hold on the old stone barrier as I fight down the urge to lean into her. I can hear Ty Lee breathing, her breath creating little clouds in front of her. She doesn't say anything instead stares down at the city in silent companionship.

I turn my head to look at her, the moonlight illuminating her in ways I didn’t think possible. I’ve seen her hundreds of time before of course but right now it’s as if I’m seeing her for the first time. I stare transfixed taking in the details of her face. Her skin glows in the silvery light, her face calm as her gentle eyes look over the city, her hair loose by her shoulders blowing in the wind slightly. I straighten reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. She turns looking at me in confusion. I blink realising what I’ve just done.

She smiles at me warmly, taking a step forwards. The gap between us is almost non existent now. I glance down at her lips. All I’d have to do is lean forwards a tiny bit… I mentally shake myself. What am I thinking? I take a step back turning away abruptly. I think I see I little disappointment on her face but she smiles nonetheless retreating slightly to give me space. I don’t understand why that hurts me.

We stand in silence for what feels like eternity, my mind racing. Eventually she shivers the sudden movement drawing my attention. I look at her trying to keep my expression blank. Ty Lee smiles in my direction taking a step towards the door.

“Ty...” I call quietly before she can enter the room, before I can lose my chance. To do what exactly I don’t know but I better figure it out quickly. She pauses looking at me with warm questioning eyes. I swallow hard my mouth going dry. Why don’t I want her to leave? I don’t know what to say. I take a step towards her. I’m afraid. That won’t do, Princess Azula is afraid of nothing, especially not her. I look at her wondering how I can make the fear stop, she can’t have this power over me. I blink realising there’s only one thing to do. I grab her arms tightly so she can’t pull away.

Her lips are soft against mine. I’m surprised, I don’t know why, it should be expected everything about Ty Lee is soft after all, from her hair to her arms. She doesn’t move at first and I think I’ve won whatever game it is we’re playing but soon her body relaxes she melts against me, her lips moving with mine. Her hands land on my waist I find I don’t mind too much.

An energy is pulsing through me, similar to when I bend but not quite. I push myself against her more forcefully wanting to get to the bottom of this strange feeling. She reacts by doing the same. It’s like lightning. Like when I shoot lightning from my fingertips. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I pull back as suddenly as I kissed her. Her warm eyes meet mine, I find I’m out of breath as if she’s sucked the air from my lungs. I take a step back heart hammering she follows me, her hand moving to cup my cheek. I stare at her motionless, she looks into my eyes searchingly. It feels as if she’s seeing into my soul. I’m not sure I like it but my body seems to have frozen to the spot. She smiles her lips brushing gently against mine.

I pull away suddenly regaining control over my body. Her face falls, good I think viciously. She’s upset, she should be upset. It’s her fault I’m feeling this way even if I’m not entirely sure what this feeling is. I turn away from her wordlessly dismissing her, she deflates and I curl my fingers into fists hating that I want nothing more than to pull her back.

I hear the door open and close as she returns to the room. I stare out over Ba Sing Se, hands shaking, cold tears trickling down my cheeks. I don’t sleep in the same room as Ty Lee from that night on.


	5. Chapter 5

“Azula?” I frown coming to a halt. “Where are you going?” I turn very slightly to look at Ty Lee, her grey eyes look almost silver in the moonlight.

“Go back to bed.” Is the only answer I give turning away and walking down the few steps of the beach house.

“But where are you going?” Ty Lee follows me, her steps as always bouncy. I sigh rolling my eyes at her inane behaviour.

“If you must know I’m going for a walk.” I tell her my voice hard. The wind blows chillingly but I barely feel it. I am a master fire bender and the cold doesn’t affect me. I notice the way Ty Lee shivers slightly. “Go back to bed. I’ll be back soon.”

“At this time of night on your own?” Ty Lee questions, I tense pushing my lips together in irritation. She shouldn’t question me. I think I heard concern in her voice, I’m not sure how to react to that. “I can keep you company.” Ty Lee smiles bouncing over to stand by me when I don’t answer her. I almost snap at her to go back inside she’s obviously cold, not that I care about that, I remind myself. I had wanted to be alone but looking at Ty Lee I find I don’t really want to push her away.

“If you must.” I make sure to roll my eyes as I turn away from her walking away without saying anything else. Ty Lee follows with a spring in her step which would usually irritates me but for once I find myself strangely comforted by it.

The wind blows gently and Ty Lee pauses shivering slightly. I roll my eyes but there’s a strange tug in my chest. “You’re cold.” I state making sure to keep my expression neutral and my tone disdainful. Ty Lee looks at me with a cautious smile.

“I’m fine really Zula.” She continues to shiver, I scoff, if she’s trying to fool me then she’s doing a poor job of it.

“Come here.” I hold an arm out to her. When Ty Lee just stares at me in confusion I sigh impatiently. “Come here Ty lee.” Slowly she moves closer to me. I place my hands on her arms holding my breath as I do so, electricity sparking though me momentarily.

Ty Lee relaxes leaning against me. “You’re warm Azula.” She states beaming at me in a way that makes my heart jump.

“I’m a fire bender.” I remind her, we walk together my arm draped around her, subtly using my fire bending to warm her. Ty Lee leans on me slightly, I try to ignore the way my body is reacting to this close proximity to her.

We reach the beach, Ty Lee babbling about how pretty the stars are and all manner of inane things I care little about on the way. I tune her out mostly, she doesn’t seem to expect a reply. My mind wanders to the party we’d attended hours ago. The boy Chan, the way I’d kissed him. My stomach churns at the memory.

“Ty.” I state imperiously stopping in my tracks and releasing her. Ty Lee stops too smiling warmly at me. I keep my eyes on the sea watching the waves. “I kissed Chan.” I state trying to keep my voice sounding normal. Ty Lee grins at this although if I’m not very much mistaken her eyes lose some of their gleam.

“Really? That’s amazing! Are you going out with him now?” She babbles excitedly but I can’t help but notice how her words don't seem as sincere as usual.

“No.” I’m not sure if I’m imagining the relief in her eyes.

“What happened?” Ty Lee asks grabbing my arm. "Is this why we trashed his place?"

“I...” I frown not looking at her, my skin feels warm where she touches me, as if she too can command flames. “I decided I didn't want to be with him." I don’t need to look at Ty Lee to know the look of confusion that crosses her features, the furrowing of her brow her lips pressing together in thought.

“I thought you liked him.” Ty Lee’s voice is soft. I inhale deeply tensing when I get a gust of her scent.

“I thought so too.” My voice wobbles, it shouldn’t. I need to be in control, Ty Lee moves to wrap an arm around me, my breath catches in my throat as her sweet scent invades my nostrils. I can’t move. I should push her away and yet. I stand still allowing her to hug me. I don’t know why this feels different from all the other times she’s hugged me.

She pulls away offering a smile, my eyes linger on her lips. The kiss we shared in Ba Sing Se the way it had sent an energy like lightning through my body, the way I had wanted to keep kissing her.

"Ty…” She looks at me questioningly. “What is it supposed to feel like?” The question is out of my mouth before I can stop it. Ty Lee frowns tilting her head to the side slightly. A loose bit of hair falls into her face, my hand twitches, I almost reach up to brush it behind her ear.

“What do you mean? Kissing?” Her eyes are wide and sincere, I force myself to tear my gaze away.

“It doesn’t matter.” I mumble moving to walk further down the beach, Ty Lee skips after me catching my arm. An electric shock shoots through me, I freeze still refusing to look at her.

“It.. It feels like. Well if you like them your mind just goes blank and you feel this warmth… It feels nice and you want to do it again.” Ty Lee grins, if I’m not mistaken I think I spot her cheeks turn pink in the moonlight. I swallow my mouth going dry, I look away because I can’t stand to look at her.

“And if I feel nothing?” I ask, for that was what I’d felt when I kissed Chan, nothing, perhaps a small sting of disgust that I had forcibly pushed to the back of my mind at the time.

“Then you just weren’t kissing the right person.” Ty Lee smiles her eyes glowing. I purse my lips together. If Chan isn’t the right person, but when I kissed Ty Lee I felt something similar to what she’d described, what does that mean? What’s wrong with me?

Ty Lee smiles up at me, her eyes warm. My heart seems to twist within my chest. I stand rigidly not quite touching her. What would it mean if I were to kiss her again now and I feel the same energy as before? Why does the thought of pressing my lips against the lips of any of those boys back at the party bring a sickness to my stomach when the thought of doing the same with Ty Lee brings only warmth?

Chan is attractive enough, he has a healthy, well-muscled build. He’s the son of an Admiral and he’s a fire bender. A match that’s beneath me but not so much that it would have been a scandal if I were to court him. That should be enough? Why isn’t that enough?

I scared him away, because I didn’t like the thought of having to kiss him again. I didn't want to touch him. I didn't want to even be near him. He smelt like sweat and alcohol. His lips tasted even worse. Being near him was far from a pleasant experience but all boys have a similar stink. Perhaps it was just the alcohol on his breath that repulsed me so much. A small voice in the back of my head tells me this isn't the case.

Ty Lee is still smiling at me as if waiting for my response. I let out a long breath, closing my eyes momentarily. “It’s ok Zula, you’ll find the right person. I know you will.” I swallow the lump that forms in my throat at Ty Lee’s words and step away from her.

I force down the traitorous thought that I’ve already found the right person. Because it’s wrong, it’s wrong and impossible. Not to mention illegal. “We should head back...” Is all I say, turning and walking back towards the house without so much of a glance her way.


	6. Chapter 6

The day after returning from Ember Island I find myself in the garden with Ty Lee. Mai and Zuko have gone off together and probably have their tongues down each others throats. My lip curls up in disgust at the thought.

It’s a nice day, the sun warm against my skin. Although, as always it does nothing to melt away the coldness deep within me. That has only got worse and worse, the only thing that helps, that eases it is the person sitting right next to me.

I lounge at the base of an old tree setting fire to leaves as they fall. Watching as they burn, occasionally catching one between my fingers to light it, lazily observing as the leaf disappears, becoming nothing but a skeleton before the flames hungrily devour that too. I have complete control over the fire, if only I could use it to warm that icy feeling deep inside my chest.

Ty Lee sits near me. A little to close, I probably shouldn’t allow her so close but the warmth radiating off her feels almost as if she’s emitting fire herself. I observe her out of the corner of my eye, she watches the burning leaves as I control the flames. I’m not sure what her expression means.

She lets out a slow breath, this gives me an excuse to turn my head towards her, she meets my gaze with a strange look in her eyes. “Zula?” She asks finally breaking the peaceful silence.

“What?” Is the only reply I give as I turn my face away, only because staring into those eyes makes my heart beat a little too fast and my face to feel flushed. I can only hope it doesn’t show. I catch a falling leaf to distract myself turning it over in my hands as I wait for her to continue.

“I’ve been wondering.” She trails off, my heart skips a beat as my mind jumps to multiple possibilities as to what it is she’s about to say. It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to keep my face impassive. I don’t care what she’s been wondering, I remind myself, not in the slightest.

I wait for Ty Lee to continue soon growing impatient. I tell myself nervousness has nothing to do with it. I tell myself the speedy beating in my chest is from the exhilaration of fire bending not Ty Lee.

“You know the Avatar?” Ty Lee sounds hesitant. “It was you who killed him wasn't it?" I snort at this but turn to fix her with a glare.

“Zuko killed him.” I grind out, although it may be false it’s the story I chose to tell everyone. The one I told my father. It wouldn’t do to have him find I lied to him. Briefly, I wonder how Ty Lee figured out the truth so easily.

The leaf in my hand sparks as my flames erupt around it. I drop it after a few moments, letting it sizzle to a crisp on the ground.

“That’s what you told everyone.” Ty Lee says slowly. “But I don't think that's true. I think you killed him, but I don't understand why you told everyone Zuko did. So I want to know why did you give up the honour that came with killing the Avatar?" She asks. This question unnerves me more than I’d like to admit.

I frown turning away from her abruptly, my lips pushed together tightly as I try to decide whether to answer her question or continue to deny that I was the true killer. I wonder if I should even dignify it with an answer.

Why did I lie to my father? It’s risky to do so and it means that Zuko is now in line for the throne once more. Not that I couldn’t defeat him in an Agni Kai and claim my rightful place should the need arise. I inhale slowly trying to think over my answer.

“Is it because you missed him?” Ty Lee’s words strike a nerve with me, my body tenses without me wanting it to. Did I miss him? A large part of my mind screams no. I didn’t miss him, he’s annoying, imbecilic and inferior to me in every way. But I can’t help but acknowledge the tiny voice at the back of my head that tells me I did miss him.

My heart aches and I’m once again aware of the numbness within me. I let out a long breath still not looking at Ty Lee. “You know it’s ok to miss him right?” Ty Lee asks, I barely register her words. “He’s your brother.”

“I’m aware Ty Lee.” My voice comes out sharper than intended. I force my limbs to relax, I can feel Ty Lee’s eyes on me. "He needed to honour more than me." I mutter, confirming her suspicion in a way should she try to betray me and spread it around I can deny.

It may be foolish but I doubt that she'll tell anyone my secret. I think it may be possible to trust her, even if only a little bit. After all she never told anyone about the bruises she used to cover with make-up for me when we were children.

Ty Lee nods, her expression unchanged. “I’m sorry I upset you Zula.” Her words cause my brows to furrow slightly. She moves closer, her arm brushing against mine. I would have pushed her away had it not been for the way the numb feeling within me lessened at her touch. “I was just wondering is all.”

We sit in silence for what seems like forever. My answer seems to have satisfied her for now. She yawns shifting her position, trying to get comfortable and resting her head on my shoulder. I tense part of me wanting to push her away.

She shouldn’t touch me so causally, especially not now we’re back at the palace. She has no right to touch me and yet. The warmth that floods through me, forcing away what’s left of the numb cold is more than welcome.

I turn my head, my cheek brushing against her hair. She yawns again sleepily, snuggling closer to me. My heart seems to stop and yet I still don’t push her away. I lick my lips as they’ve suddenly gone dry. I shouldn’t allow this but I don’t want to do anything to stop it.

I’ve been staring at the ground trying to decide what to do for so long I barely notice when her breathing evens out. I frown turning my head slightly wondering how she can sleep in such a position. I should wake her but, I don’t want to. I’m the princess, I can do what I want as long as I don’t go against my father.

I allow myself to relax, carefully shifting my arm and draping it around her shoulders loosely. The position feels strange but not uncomfortably so. My heart seems to be doing all manner of strange things. I can’t tell if I like it or not.

I lean my head back against the bark of the tree watching as a few gardeners go about their business making sure the Royal Gardens remain perfect.

One of them, an old man with a wiry silver beard, pauses and looks over at me. He frowns turning and saying something to the woman next to him who also looks over and the same expression crossing her features.

I fix them with a hard stare, their expression disturbs me. I’m not sure why, if I were closer to them I might scold them for looking at me that way. I am a princess after all, I should only be looked on with respect and admiration.

The gardeners turn away talking amongst themselves. I catch a leaf that falls near me, burning it between my fingers. The servants are not worth my time and I’m quite content to stay here with Ty Lee. She shifts position in her sleep, turning her face into me slightly. I’ll move when she awakes and not a moment sooner.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW Abuse, homophobia)

My father has summoned me. I fold the letter after reading it through the third time. Holding it up between my thumb and forefinger I watch dispassionately as is smokes. Soon azure flames flicker over it and I drop it onto the ground, the flames I had created consume the paper hungrily. I sigh putting the fire out before it can catch onto anything else in my room.

I don’t know why my father wishes to speak with me. I do know it’s best not to keep him waiting. I stare at the pile of ashes that once held the command to go meet with my father. I try to think of anything I could have possibly done wrong to warrant a punishment. I know he wasn’t particularly pleased with me for bringing Zuko home despite my claims that my brother had killed the Avatar. That’s why he sent us away for a while. That and to get us out of his hair. He’s planning something, I know him well enough to see the signs. I just don’t know what it could be.

I close my eyes momentarily hoping that it won’t be anything that jeopardises my position as his favourite. I’m going to be Fire Lord. Even if I brought Zuko home, I’ll still find a way, it’s nothing a well timed Agni Kai can’t fix. Truthfully I had wanted Zuko back in my life, I will allow myself to admit that. As idiotic and annoying as he is I’ve missed him, Ty Lee was right when she guessed that was so. It’s been, I hate to admit it even to myself, it’s been difficult with just me and my father here.

Especially after Ty Lee left to join the circus and Mai went to be with her father. After Zuko was banished there was no longer a scapegoat for my father’s rage and without Ty Lee there had been no source of that inner warmth she seems to so easily provide.

With mother gone Zuko is no longer anyone’s favourite, he’s no threat to my ascension to the throne when the time comes. Of that I’m sure. Still, this letter worries me. I rise making sure to stand up straight as I leave my room, looking every bit the Fire Nation princess I am. I keep my eyes trained ahead of me not bothering to acknowledge the servants and guards I pass, they don’t expect me to, I am above them.

The guards in front of the Fire Lord’s chamber step aside to let me pass. I take a few seconds to ready myself pretending to inspect the guards with a hard glare when in reality I’m preparing myself for what might come.

Inside the room my Father’s silhouette looms behind a wall of flame. I approach the fire it’s heat intense against my face as I kneel before him, keeping my gaze lowered in respect. “Azula.” His voice fills the room, I keep my gaze lowered.

“Father.” The heat in front of me lessens and looking up reveals my father lowering his flames so he can get a better look at me. “You summoned me.”

“I did.” I hear the footsteps as my father steps towards me the flames parting for him with only a wave of his hand, I try not to cringe back. “I wished to speak with you about a certain matter.”

“Yes father.” I state finally looking up at him when I feel him stop in front of me. I try to keep my expression impassive not wanting to anger him.

“You disgrace me.” His voice sends chills down my spine, it takes me a moment to compose myself.

“Father. I intend to do nothing of the sort.” It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to keep the wobble from my voice. Somehow I manage it. “How do you feel I’ve disgraced you?” My father’s cold gaze meets mine.

“Your friend. Ty Lee.” He spits her name in a way that makes me want to recoil. What’s wrong with Ty Lee? She’s of good breeding. She attended the Fire Nation Academy for Girls. She doesn’t say anything against my father. I hate the way my heart has sped up in panic. I pride myself on my self control as I keep my gaze on my father waiting for him to explain. “You’re a little too close to that girl.”

My blood freezes, what does he mean? Why is this causing my body to react this way? Why am I so. So... I don’t want to even think those words. I curl my fingers into the palms digging the nails into the flesh to stop my hands from trembling. “What do you mean father?” I ask my voice sounds hoarse, he narrows his eyes at the sound.

“I mean that you are aware of the law and of what is right?” My father circles me slowly. I keep my gaze fixed ahead. “The laws set down by Fire Lord Sozin?”

“Fire Lord Sozin set down many laws.” I state, he stops in front of me turning only slightly to face me his hand flying out hitting my face with a smack that echoes throughout the room. I breathe in deeply forcing my eyes open, keeping my expression blank as if I’m unbothered by the stinging on my cheek.

“Don’t you dare be insolent.” He hisses grabbing my chin and tilting my head up, his fingertips dig in painfully especially over the mark I’m sure is already forming on my right cheek but I do not pull away. “You know exactly which law I speak of. The one he put in place after the rumours of him and Avatar Roku got too much for him to control.”

My eyes widen, that law. My father thinks… He thinks that I... If my father hadn’t been holding my chin in a vice like grip I would have shaken my head in protest. I try to speak to tell my father he has nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t dare disgrace him that way. My mind drifts to Ba Sing Se, when I kissed her. I push the thought back, I can’t afford to think of that now. If my father knew about that then he’d burn me alive.

“You understand Azula.” He says, releasing me finally. “I can’t have my daughter acting in such an unnatural way.” He glares down at me.

“Yes father.” I take a deep breath. “You have nothing to worry about. Ty Lee means nothing to me. I only keep her around because of her skills.” The lie tastes sour on my tongue, I force myself to hold my fathers gaze.

“Ah yes her skills.” He sneers glaring down at me. “I’m sure you know a lot about those.” I don’t have a response for that. Not one that won’t earn me another smack around the face, perhaps even worse. “You are aware of the punishment for those who break this law are you not Azula?”

I’m well aware of it, it’s something I often find myself thinking about before I push it aside. I swallow, images of myself or Ty Lee going through that punishment playing clearly in mind. I don’t know which is worse.

“Yes father.” I lower my gaze trying to keep my breaths even.

“You may be my daughter but I will not shield you from punishment, You would do well to remember that.”

I nod keeping my eyes downward. I already knew this of course. Just because I’ve always been his favourite doesn’t mean that can’t change at any time. That if I do anything anything less than perfect or if I do anything that brings him disgrace in even the most minor way then he’ll cast me aside without a second thought.

“I want you to stay away from that girl.” I almost look up at this, I dare not for if I do so then I’m sure he’ll be able to see the panic in my eyes. I can imagine the way he’s looking at me, looking for any reaction on my part. “Until you have proven to me that you can be trusted to behave in the way nature intended.”

“If that’s what you think is best.” My voice is quieter than I’d like.

“It is.” I nod, taking a deep breath finally looking up at him. “Go now, I’d better not hear of any more indiscretions.” The threat is clear.

“Yes father.” I rise watching as he turns parting his flames and moving to sit on his throne once more. I back out of the room, making sure to show him the respect he expects. Turning only when I’ve reached the curtain by the door.

I keep my head down as I make my way to my room hoping I won’t run into anyone. If anyone sees the bruise forming on my cheek they’ll be questions. Questions I don’t want to answer. I reach my room with no incident and enter breathing a sigh of relief.

The pile of ash from the letter is gone. I know a servant has been in to clean it up. I sit on my bed folding my legs beneath me and closing my eyes trying to still my frantically beating heart. Thinking over what my father said. What he seems to think.

I know I shouldn’t have kissed Ty Lee. I know about the law, I should never have done that. I open my eyes looking down at my hands, I still don’t fully understand what made me do it. Why can’t I be normal? The lightning I felt when kissing Ty Lee was like nothing I’d ever felt. The memory of it plays behind my eyes every night as I try to sleep, there’s been many moments when I’ve looked in her eyes and wanted to press my lips to hers once more.

I’m unnatural, my father is right about that. He cannot know. I mustn’t let him know. But he already seems to know. But if he knew the extent of it he’d surely burn me to a crisp. Zuko’s scar would look like a loving pat compared to what he’d do to me.

My breath catches in my throat as I think what he’d do to Ty Lee if he had proof. He can’t risk angering the nobles because of speculation but if he had proof then Ty Lee’s parents would not only overlook but support any punishment my father sees fit. I know what punishment he would choose.

I have admired and feared my father my whole life. I have believed every word that has left him mouth and tried only to get his approval. But this… This secret could destroy all that, it could end in my demise but for some reason the thing that makes my stomach churn even more is that it could cause her death. My hands are shaking I curl my fingers into my palms. I mustn’t show weakness even when I’m on my own. I am the Fire Nation princess.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TW Mentions of Abuse)

A knock sounds at my door. I don’t answer, I can’t let anyone see me like this. I’m sure the mark on my cheek is clear now and my hands shake despite how much I try to control them. The door opens. I scowls casting my gaze over to see who dares enter without my permission. My heart leaps as my eyes meet Ty Lee’s. No she can’t be here. I can’t let her be here.

I turn my face away so she can’t see the mark, trying with all my might to regain control of my traitorous body. “I thought you were out.” Ty Lee speaks softly. I don’t reply instead glaring at the wall. I should tell her to leave. If my father finds out about this, we’re both in trouble. I find I cannot form words, my breath coming out in shallow gasps.

The door closes with a quiet thud. Her footsteps soft as she crosses the room towards me. “Are you ok Azula?” She asks, I think her voice holds genuine concern. I’d like to think it does. She tries to look me in the eye but I avoid her gaze. I’m afraid of what I’ll see there. I shouldn’t be afraid she’s the one who should fear me.

I can feel her looking at the bruise. I take a deep breath straightening and trying to look unbothered by it, pushing the panic deep down as far as it will go.

Ty Lee moves over to the dresser picking up the make up just like she used to. I don’t move as the bed sinks keeping my eyes fixed on the wall.

I inhale slowly preparing myself for our old routine. Waiting for her to cover my mark but she doesn’t move instead fiddling with the make up in her hands. It might be better if she does this, my hands still tremble and I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to complete the task myself.

I can feel her eyes on me searching me. I feel naked before her, I don’t like it and yet I sit silently instead of snapping at her to hurry up. Waiting for her to either say something or apply the make up.

“Does it hurt?” I frown at the stupid question. She’d once asked me long ago and I’d simply snapped at her to cover the bruise. I turn finding her grey eyes on me. Warmth spreads though me slowly as if I’m stepping out into the morning sun after a cold sleepless night.

“What do you mean?” I ask, finally finding my voice. Trying to make it carry an edge to it, wanting her to flinch away. Instead it only sounds flat and defeated.

She shouldn’t ask such things. She doesn’t have the right. Ty Lee simply places her hand over mine. I don’t know who’s more surprised when I don’t pull away, myself or her, I take a deep breath the trembling in my hands stilling.

"I’m used to it.” I frown turning away but keep my hand under hers the contact the only thing stopping them from shaking.

“You shouldn’t have to be.” She whispers. I can only hope that my father hasn’t set up spies to make sure I don’t go against his wishes, she shouldn’t be here, but if they reported that she’d said something against my father her punishment would include a great deal of pain before her end.

I keep my eyes fixed on the wall. Not moving as Ty Lee applies the brush to my skin covering the ugly mark. I’ll have to do it myself tomorrow. Luckily since Ty Lee abandoned me to join the circus I’ve become more adept with the make up brush. This is the first time in years she’s done this for me.

When she finishes she puts the make up to the side sitting by me silently, her body inches from mine. I keep my eyes closed wanting nothing more than to close the gap between us. I know I don’t have much time. I need to hurt her. Have her leave this room crying, that should convince my father that Ty Lee means nothing to me, that should keep her away form me. Keep her safe. I don’t want to hurt her but if I don’t then she might end up with a worse fate. Not that I care of course. I try to tell myself. But even as I think the words I know deep down they're not true.

“You should leave.” I state, my voice coming out chillingly cold for a fire bender. Ty Lee doesn’t respond at first.

Confusion crosses her features. “Are you sure 'Zula?” She asks, her voice holding concern that makes my heart break. “I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

“What do you care?” I ask my voice cracking slightly. I scowl at her. “You left me to join that circus. I did just fine without you then.” I shouldn’t have said that. Surely she can see through the lie, but I’m a very good liar. Ty Lee frowns in confusion and I see in her eyes that she doesn’t suspect my deception.

“I’m sorry Azula I had to go. You know I did.”

“I don’t care.” I sigh, rolling my eyes for effect. “I’m bored of your presence Ty Lee.”

Ty Lee tilts her head to the side slightly, her eyes showing a tiny bit of hurt. “I know you don’t mean that.” She states with such surety it gives me pause.

“You’re just upset right now.” She nods slowly, reaching out to me, placing her hands on my shoulders. “But that’s ok, it’s ok you’re upset 'Zula.”

I want nothing more than to lean into her touch, I shrug her hands off me before I can give in to the impulse. “Don’t touch me!” I snarl angrily. “I don’t want your filthy hands on me Circus Freak!” She stares at me in shock, tears springing to her eyes, she swallows looking down.

“Ok… Ok If… If that’s how you feel.” She stutters. “I’ll go.”

“And don’t bother coming back, I don’t need you.” I snap turning away from her, because I know if I continue to look at her I’ll be grabbing hold of her arm and apologising, telling her I didn’t mean it. I have to make her leave. She can’t stay, even if I desperately want her to.

The bed moves as Ty Lee gets up. I wait for the sound of the door opening and closing. A floorboard creaks and I sense Ty Lee pause by the door. “You know where I'll be if you decide you want me to come back.” I don’t respond, if I respond she’ll surely see that I don’t mean any of this. The door creaks and hear it close behind her.

My lip wobbles, my chest twists as I crumple in on myself. I don’t need her. I did fine on my own. It’s better for both of us this way. Something wet touches my cheeks, it takes me a moment to realise that it's my tears.

I can barely breath. I don’t want her to come back. I don’t want her to stay. Even as I tell myself this I know it is false. I know from the way my hands instinctively open the drawer closest to me and pull out the familiar pink hair tie. I know from the way I clutch it to my chest as if it can somehow heal the gaping chasm that's formed deep within my chest.

I'm a brilliant liar. I can lie to everyone. Everyone except the one person I need to right now. If only I could lie to myself. Why can't I lie to myself?


	9. Chapter 9

Trust is for fools. Fear is the only reliable way. I chant the words in my head over and over. Every time I close my eyes I see her face. Her eyes, the fear in them. She feared me but she obviously didn’t fear me enough.

My fingers twitch. Good. I’m regaining some feeling in them, but the more movement my body regains the worse the ice like agony in my chest becomes. I wonder if I’ll be able to move even when the chi locking wears off. I’m so cold. Everything is so cold.

It’s because of the things I said. She hates me, perhaps she always hated me. She betrayed me. She betrayed me. The nothingness in my chest has shattered, now there are icy fragments of agony cutting through me. I would scream from it, but princesses do not scream. I have to be perfect. I have to be perfect.

I should have had them killed, they betrayed me. It’s my right as princess to have those who dare betray me in such a way destroyed. I was going to. When it was just Mai. I was going to shock her right there. She would have burned in my lightning, but then Ty Lee had to step in. Her fingers cutting off my chi pathways with ease. I doubt I’d be able to move even if she hadn’t taken my movement. I never expected that from her.

When the guards grabbed them I’d looked at her face and everything inside me broke. She betrayed me but I don’t want her to die. I can’t let her die. My father will be furious when he finds out. He will burn me, mark me like Zuko. But I don’t care. I can’t care. As long as Ty Lee doesn’t feel his wrath.

This is foolish I know it is. She’s nothing to me as I’m nothing to her. I am Princess Azula of the Fire Nation and I’m above her. Better than her in every way. She is nothing.

“Kill them Azula.” I close my eyes, my father’s order ringing in my ears. Except it’s not really him, I know this, his voice has been swimming around my mind for hours as I imagine his disapproval. If I were to look up I would see nothing but the room I’ve been placed in to recover. My father is still back in the Palace, there’s no reason he’d be here. “She betrayed you and for that she should die.”

He’s right. She betrayed me. I shouldn’t protect her. She’s nothing to me. I just can’t. I can’t let her be killed. Even as I close my eyes her warm grey ones appear in my minds eye. My eyes snap open. I cannot let myself think of her, especially not in that way.

I can move my arms now. Shakily I push myself up looking at my legs to see if my attempts at moving them are working. Nothing happens. I huff, fingers curling into fists in frustration.

“Azula!” I jump Ty Lee’s voice is warm and welcoming. My eyes scan the room but she’s not there. I’m imagining it. I close my eyes pressing my face into my hands surprised to find my cheeks wet with tears. That won’t do. It won’t do at all. A quiet sob escapes me. “Azula it’s ok, don’t cry.” I look up almost able to see her hovering near me.

She’s not there. I sent her to the prison. She’s locked away I won’t see her again. I don’t want to see her again. She betrayed me. I trusted her and she dared betray me. I thought she was afraid of me. No, that’s wrong I know Ty Lee has never once feared me. I broke my own rule, it’s my fault. “Trust is for fools. Fear is the only reliable way.” I hiss out loud into the room turning away from where I can almost feel Ty lee near me.

I close my eyes, my breath coming out in short gasps as I move my hands to press against my scalp. I don’t want to feel the agonising coldness any more. I find my fir, using it to heat my body. It doesn’t seem to reach the cold. It never has. Only one thing, one person, has been able to reach it. To warm me enough that I did not notice it.

I am a fool, I should never have trusted her. I never should have allowed her so close. I can’t trust anyone. I can only trust myself. I am Princess Azula of the Fire Nation. I’m going to be Fire Lord. Everyone around me has betrayed me in some way. My mother, my brother, Mai and Ty Lee. I let myself get to comfortable with them and they left and betrayed me. I only have my father and he’s all I need. He won’t leave me. I know he won’t. I’m his only heir now, he needs me.

I can find new subjects to rule over. I won’t make the same mistake I did with her. I won’t let myself begin to trust. I won’t let my guard down with anyone ever again. Zuko is weak because he relies on others. He needed Mai to save him today. I won’t make that mistake. All shall fear me, my fire shall burn brighter than a thousand suns and any who stand in my way will be burned until there is nothing left but ashes.

I will be a fool no longer. I lie back, closing my eyes in an attempt to relax. My brow furrows as my father’s voice echoes through my head, accompanied by Ty Lee’s, their conflicting messages causing an ache to form behind my eyes.

My father calls out for the blood of my enemies, telling me I must be strong, but I won’t kill Mai and Ty Lee. It’s a far better punishment to let them suffer in prison, knowing never again will they taste freedom. Ty Lee’s voice is soft and reassuring. I want to continue to listen to her but doing so feels like I’m being stabbed through the heart by one of Mai’s knives. Her voice is false, everything about her is false. She is nothing but a traitor and not worth my thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on the Avatar Amino, decided to post here.


End file.
